It’s the Memories (or Lack Thereof)

A few days ago, I posted about the holidays still being a struggle for me. At that time, I had no answers, but I did have a few friends offer some perspective that was helpful. I’d like to say that I put aside my search for answers over the last few days, but that would be untrue. It all still churned in the background.

I did, however, try to focus on the moments I’ve had with my (adopted) family so I could make memories that would last. And that’s when it all hit me. It’s the memories. Or, for me, the lack thereof with my (natural) family.

While I have been in reunion with my (natural) family for seven years, I have yet to spend an actual Christmas Day with any of them. I have spent other important days with my (natural) mom and family (e.g., birthday, Thanksgiving, New Year’s Day, Mother’s Day), and while those days used to be very challenging for me, they are easier now. And I think it’s because I have memories stored from the moments we have been together. Even when we can’t be together on those days, I have a memory bank that allows me to reminisce on times we have been together and those give me great joy.

It works with my (adopted) family too. We don’t see each other on our birthdays, but I have fond memories of birthdays that we have been together. Same with Thanksgiving, Easter, New Year’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc. So, I recall those memories on those days and it’s like being with them, and I feel happy.

Looks like I need to find a way to spend some time with my (natural) family on Christmas Day to make the memories that will sustain me when we can’t be together. Sounds like a good project for 2020.

Hope you are making memories with your loved ones and friends this holiday season!

3 comments on “It’s the Memories (or Lack Thereof)

  1. Nikki says:

    Christmas time was oftern the only time I would have to research and spend time thinking about where, why, who etc etc, I found my birth family in 2017 after seaching since for 30 years, coming up to 3 years on we have made lots of memories, I can honestly say I am no happier now than I was then, I just don’t have this constant yearning and desire for knowledge and understanding, I was too late to find my birth Mom, but found my birth father and 4 siblings, 3 in uk near me and 1 in Massachussets, my adopopted sister she cannot accept the situation and is very bitter our relationship is difficult now, I grew up in a family where I did not fit, I felt like a square peg in a round hole, I now have 2 famiies where I don’t fit, they have all welcomed me and its fantastic but we don’t share the foundations they have with each other, I feel cheeted of a life I should have had, I am really struggling I dont want to feel this way.

    • Becky says:

      Nikki, I am so sorry that you feel this way, but I sometimes think I don’t fit in either of my families either. And that feeling sometimes arises in spite of the fact that I have loving relationships within both families. Because I haven’t experienced your exact situation, I don’t know this would be true…but perhaps you are still grieving the loss of your mom – both times? I mean, you lost her once in the beginning of your life, and then lost her again when you found out she was already passed. Seems like that would be very, very difficult. And if you throw in any of the “guilt” of showing up “too late”, that would be even harder. I felt that way a little bit with having found my birth family after 3 of 4 grandparents had already passed. Again, I’m just asking possibilities; definitely not trying to tell you what/how you should feel. I just want you to know that I understand much of what you are saying and that I want to be helpful in you finding understanding on the items that I haven’t experienced. Blessings as you sort through all of this!! You can find me in the comments if you want to continue the dialogue.

      • nikkilonely says:

        Thank you so much Becky for replying to me, its nice to vent on here no one else can ever understand or emapthise to anything thoughts and feelings I have, my birth mother died in 2011, I don’t feel any sense of loss towards her in particular although I have learned a lot about her which has been good to know, albeit rather sad, she lost a son in a tragic accident – my brother, he fell from a tree and died, she couldnt deal with this and turned to alchohol which finally killed her, as a mother myself I know it would have been so difficult for her, she did have an 8 year old daughter (lucy my sister who lives in Amercia) to try and fight the illness for though but she just was unable to, Lucy thinks she saw it as her comeuppance for giving me up, which is awful if true, Lucy suffered terribly losing her older brother, her mother too through grief as the same time, at 13 she discovered in an argument of my existence but didnt know if I was a girl or boy or when I was born, eventually we met up in 2017 but its bitter sweet for both of us that we live so far apart.

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